how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
