I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
