Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
