Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
