Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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