I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
