he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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