forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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