He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
