Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
