why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
