I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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