We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
don't judge my taste in strippers
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
