"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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