dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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