dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
