and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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