you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
