hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I did not marry a roomba.
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