Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
