They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
