he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
