I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
