They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
