you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My penis needs a shock collar
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
