I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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