Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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