The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
