I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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