the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
