my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Never joke about your clitoris.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
