the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
