Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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