remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
