Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
