I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
