Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
