Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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