I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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