i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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