I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
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Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
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I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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