Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
