i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
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As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
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I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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