She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Are we still banned from the library?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
