Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
