i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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