woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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