So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I skipped work to stalk him.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
