I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
