whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize