New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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